Upon returning to Tulsa, I supported my husband by holding down two jobs while also taking 18 hours at school. We got an apartment for a few months, and those were truly the worst days of the marriage. This is not the time or place to share details. Due to numerous issues, we moved into my parents' house at the end of the summer. It was motivated by his inability to keep a job, and also, I felt a lot "safer" with them.
Which brings me to the point I left off in Part I, before I got ahead of myself!
About 18 months into the marriage, just one week after the tragedy of September 11th, I was a week late for my expected cycle. When my pregnancy was confirmed, I sobbed for what seems like hours.
At this point, you may be scratching your head... wondering why I would possibly have such a terrible reaction to the news that I was a mother. After all, it was something I had wanted for my entire life.
Or maybe from the little bit I have shared here, you already understand my fears for the baby, for myself, for my education, for our future. I was so happy to be a mother, but I knew that everything would change.
My personal life was still a mess, but I was sure about the next step in my faith life. I knew the time had come to make a decision. Was I going to put aside everything I *knew* to be true about the Catholic Church for the sake of family peace and because it was familiar and easier to go back to my childhood church... or was I going to do the hard thing, and be intellectually and spiritually honest with myself and answer the call?
I joined the RCIA class at Holy Family Cathedral in September of 2001, and asked Joseph to be my Sponsor. It was most difficult to tell my father, and he was as devastated as I'd predicted. In fact, we argued quite frequently with yelling and tears over it. It didn't help that I was also navigating the hormonal rollercoaster of pregnancy. It was easier to talk to my mom, as she wasn't committed to any particular denomination of Christianity. She was happy for me. But for my dad's sake, I attended "Church of Christ" services with my parents in the morning (but didn't take their communion) and went to Mass in the evening.
Going through RCIA, I became aware of one major thing: There was SO MUCH I didn't know. If you remember, everything I learned about the Catholic Church initially was from that Fatima documentary, Scott Hahn and Patrick Madrid. I had never even been casually acquainted with a Catholic before, so I had barely any grasp on Church history and teachings. I knew the Bible, and the Catholic Church was the only church I'd ever tried that made complete sense scripturally... but I was beginning to realize that there was so much left to learn. I took the commitment to the Catholic faith seriously, and started to doubt whether I COULD commit to it with so much left to know.
About a month before Easter, I called Joseph. He didn't pick up the phone, and I left a sobbing message on his voicemail that he should cancel the flight for Easter weekend (when I was scheduled to have my Confirmation and First Communion) because I still had too much to learn before I could say with all confidence that I was a Catholic.
That night was hard. I cried a lot and prayed a lot. I had a revelation that could only have come from the Holy Spirit.
One thing jumped out at me... the Gospels say that Jesus gave Peter the keys to the kingdom of Heaven and had given him the authority to bind and loose. I thought about that for a long time... and had to ask myself: Did Peter have the authority to become the first Pope? Yes, I know he did. My next question for myself... could he pass that authority on to another apostle? Yes, he could. Finally, could THEY pass that authority on to future apostles? Yes, they could. Christ promised that He would not leave us as orphans, and that the gates of hell would never overcome his church.
I read the names of the Popes... that long list was intriguing to me. After being part of a church whose history didn't extend beyond the 1960s, it was just amazing to me that the Catholic Church could trace the succession of its church leaders all the way to Peter. After seeing churches split apart every few years based on two well-intentioned people coming to completely different, prayerful conclusions about what the Bible said... I knew there had to be an authority on Christian teaching. We could not, in a completely different time and culture, translated from other languages, expect to be able to simply "read it for ourselves" and trust that we will all come to the same prayerful conclusion. There is no way to be completely objective in reading the Bible... no such thing as a "non-denominational" Bible study. We all bring reading glasses that are colored by our culture, life experiences, or even an agenda. And owning and being able to actually read a Bible used to be something only the very rich could hope for... what did Christ intend for us to do when we couldn't just read it for ourselves?
I remember how Philip helped the eunuch understand the prophet Isaiah... Philip asked, "Do you understand what you are reading?" and he replied, "How can I unless someone explains it to me?" Then it says that Philip told him the good news about Jesus. (Acts 8:30-35)
There has to be some authority, or as Martin Luther said with much regret... there would be "as many Popes as there are heads."
Where did that Bible come from anyway? From the Catholic Bishops! I was raised in a church that proclaimed, "Bible alone! We stand on the Bible alone." But where in Scripture does it actually say we should rely only on our own interpretation of the Bible? The idea of a personal understanding of the Bible alone apart from a united Church community is nowhere in the Bible. What a revelation for me!
I asked myself, "Did the Catholic Church begin with Peter? Is that the church Jesus intended to establish? One, united, apostolic church?" My answer was an undeniable YES. So, I reasoned... I could never learn 2000 years of Church history, but that was okay. I may never understand every single thing in Catholic theology... some study it all their lives and there is still more to know. But I could say with confidence... I believed that the Catholic Church was Jesus's church and I believed in Church authority, and the Pope's leadership of Jesus's church. Therefore, I believe what the Catholic Church teaches. I would become a Catholic, and learn more about it for the rest of my life.
I went to sleep in complete peace with my decision.
It was kind of funny explaining to Joseph when he called me the next day. ;)
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Something I read recently on Catholic Answers by royalarcher that really made sense...
"Would you seek medical advice from someone who’s only knowledge of medicine came from him and a few like minded individuals who sat around studying a medical book that was a rewrite of another medical book where the person rewriting the book was not a full doctor?
Jesus taught his disciples and passed to them the Holy Spirit and his complete teaching. These disciples took on additional disciples and passed the Holy Spirit and teachings on. They also taught the masses and some helpers whom they endowed with some authority over and above that of the disciples. The lineage of disciples lead to the Bishops of today and the helpers are the priest, deacons, and others of holy orders.
Due to the rapid expansion of the church and poor communication and transportation, the disciples began independently writing down summaries of the key points to be used as a reference. These references were to be used as part of the teaching but part of a greater exposure to the broader teachings passed down from Jesus till today.
The protestant bibles are like the aforementioned medical text in that their bibles are lesser interpretations of a summary reference. The full Christian Bible as was used prior to Luther and by Catholics today, is an accurate reference but still one that must be interpreted in context. The full teachings as passed on from Disciple to Disciple offer the full context guided by the Holy Spirit.
Reading a Bible in different contexts can give you results as seen in the Baptist KKK or in the Branch Davidians or a host of other infamous extremes from groups who claim to be Christians.
Even if the group has good intent and is no where near those extremes of the slippery slope, they still are not able to provide the quality of study as you would get from a group guided by the fuller teachings of Jesus.
Back to the medical analogy, would you rather be treated by someone who memorized a summary medical reference or someone who has been trained, licensed, and experienced in a world renowned medical facility with that facility's full support?"
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I still have so much to share, but that is all I have time for right now. As I said before, my conversion story does not end with entering the Catholic Church on Easter Vigil. My relationship with God is a lot more than finding the right church and living happily ever after. Please be patient with me as I finish this labor of love. :)
